For those of you who know me, it’s no surprise that I spent my entire summer babysitting. Actually, I wouldn’t even call it babysitting. I would say that I just took on the role of teen mom for a couple of months. I babysat kids ranging from the age of three months to ten years old. There was not a single day where I didn’t babysit or wasn’t asked to babysit, it was borderline ridiculous but only borderline because I made that cash monayyyyy money falls from the ceiling.
Kidding, I wish though.
Anyway, if there’s one thing I learned from the kids I babysat this summer it’s that children are funny as f*ck. I documented all of the funniest things the millions of kids I babysat this summer had said overtime. It would be a total waste if I didn’t share a few of the shining quotes with you all, so prepare yourself for some comedic genius.
“The worst part of dinner is eating”
This one had me cracking up. I was babysitting my little cousin/best friend Maria who is seven years old and I was making her dinner. She and I are on the same wavelength in terms of the importance of fashion and being generally cool, so we always find time to rant together about the lows of life. With a lull in the conversation, I heard Maria sigh to herself and state those seven brilliant words.
Boy: Siri, I hate spaghetti.”
Siri: Okay, I’ll remember that.”
This one, I was not aware of until I used Siri for something later in the day. I was babysitting a three-year-old boy who I absolutely adore and while I was making his lunch he was watching Peppa the Pig (gag) on YouTube on my phone, or so I thought. I opened Siri to this amazing conversation. I kind of want to get it framed.
Me: I’m so proud of you for using the potty!
Him: I’m so proud of you too!
I literally think I choked on the water I was drinking when the little boy (same as the Spaghetti hater) said this to me. Like I said, he’s three years old and that’s the perfect age for little dudes to start potty training! I heard he had used the potty and wanted to give him some positive reinforcement, and I guess he thought I deserved some too. It always feels good to be recognized for my valiant toilet using efforts.
“We are all Kanye West”
I have genuinely no idea who said this, when this was said, or the context of it. What I do know is that I think this is the best thing any child has ever said in their entire life.
“I got this for $50 dollars on amazon”
This is funny once you know the context. This was said, once again, by the Spaghetti hating cutie who uses the potty now. He loves playing with his train sets, so when he gets a new set he can’t wait to show it to me when I arrive to hang out for a while. Every time he shows me one of his new trains, or toys in general, he goes “I got this for $50 off amazon.” Like what??? It could be a piece of paper and he would say he got it for $50 from amazon. It cracks me up, and his parents have no idea why he says it.
“Maybe you could pay someone to be your boyfriend.”
This one hit home, a single tear rolled down my face as I typed that out. I was babysitting a family of three; a seven year old girl, nine year old girl and eleven year old boy. Of course, the girls are super interested in my life and began questioning me while I made them all mac and cheese. They asked me the eternally painful question “do you have a boyyyyyyyfriend?” to which I sorrowfully answer “uhhh no lol kill me bye”. They were very sorry for me so they suggested I pay someone to date me. Life is great.
Him: You can be Nana and Poppi
Me: Who are you, then?
Him: Your grandson.
Spaghetti hating, potty using, online shopper strikes again. He cracks me up. There’s not much explanation needed to this one. He literally just called me his grandparents without a second thought and moved on, as if it was totally normal.
“I look at you and I can tell you take a lot of selfies. Or post on Instagram a lot.”
This one is coming at you from the ever-fabulous Maria. As I said, we like to have deep chats every time we hang out. On this day, she was telling me how she’ s really good at reading people (she’s seven keep in mind). According to her senses, I am a very vain person. Oh well!
“Shelby Incorporated is the name of our lemonade stand”
I was babysitting essentially a whole neighborhood of children one day. Not even kidding. Technically I was only responsible for two kids but all seven of their neighbors wanted to play and it got hectic real fast, so I decided to have a lemonade stand. I told them that every business has a good name so they should come up with a great title for their tiny startup. After minutes of deliberation, they came up with Shelby Incorporated. I have truthfully no idea where that came from, no one’s name is Shelby, but for the rest of the day the kids would scream “SHELBY INCORPORATED GET YOUR LEMONADE HEREEEE” at passing cars.
“She’s probably dead… or blacked out”
Every time I read this one I die laughing. I was babysitting that same neighborhood and they were all playing a game. One girl decided to be a sleeping princess (I don’t even know) so she laid down on the grass and closed her eyes without moving. As the other kids played their roles and walked past her, they made no effort to recognize her royal status but instead came to a collective conclusion that she’s either black out drunk or just dead. And then they walked away. HAHA
“You’re my ugly husband”
A little seven-year-old girl said this to me. I’m really close with her and her brother because I babysit them quite frequently, so whenever we watch a movie before bed (I’m a cool babysitter) she cuddles up to me. While we were watching our flick, the little girl turned to me and told me I was her ugly husband. HUSBAND. I was highly offended.
“Let’s go eat in the parking garage”
This last one is coming at you from Spaghetti hater. He was getting hungry so I started making his lunch right after I put his baby brother down, who had been crying for at least 45 minutes straight. He was really frustrated by his brother’s pointless sobs and was also quite famished, so I think he was a bit delusional. I asked him if he wanted to sit in the highchair or in a normal chair for lunch and he suggested we eat in the parking garage at our mall.
So, those are a few of the golden quotes I have collected over time from the children I babysit. I love each and every one of them like a little sibling and am so thankful that I get to chill with such wacky and adorable little people, even if they call me their ugly husband who should pay someone to date me. ❤