Alright, it’s HalloWEEK. Yes, I will own up to saying that but let’s be real; Halloween is a weeklong event for the USA. People shit for Halloween, they wear multiple costumes and go to a ton of parties and eat candy and have a great time, but me? I stay in every Halloween and watch movies that have nothing to do with Halloween and I eat vegetables just to smite the fact that candy represents Halloween. Have you gotten the main gist of it yet? I f*cking hate Halloween.
There are many reasons for this, some being that it’s cold and usually rainy, but there are deeper reasons why I hate this cult favorite holiday… Reasons that have emotionally scarred me since I was a child. Reasons I am about to share with you today! So take off your costume and hide your candy because I’m about to tell you why I can’t stand Halloween!
It all started in pre-school. My mom has always tried to be a Pinterest mom and loved to DIY our costumes. She thought I would make the cutest sunflower ever, so with a heart filled with gold and motivation she began crafting my costume. In theory, it would have been adorable. She made little petals out of felt and glued them to a Styrofoam base that had a hole for my tiny, 3-Year-Old face to fit in. Sadly, this looked real dank. Mom I love you but this costume was doomed. Of course, this headpiece needed a body, and what would work better than a green leotard? A yugio costume, according to my mother. She purchased a green yugio costume from Party City and shoved the tail into the body. The hand and foot holes had little claws coming off of them and she pretended they were petals. I looked HORRIBLE. And clearly, I never forgot about it to this day. I’m also really bitter because my brother was a cute little 6 month old pumpkin, so everybody said how cute he was while I was standing there looking like a Pinterest fail. While, to be honest, is kind of the story of my life.
Halloween just got worse from there. In terms of costume, I played it safe. I was a cheerleader three years in a row because I knew that the costume was cute enough without drawing too much attention to myself. I was always ridden with anxiety as a child, poor me!
Trick or treating was another story. It’s the biggest social night of the year when you’re a kid; running around from house to house with a huge pack of friends to collect candy that your parents are eventually going to eat, what a night! Sadly I did not participate in the fun Halloween I had heard about on so many occasions, mine was really tragic. My Aunt Suzy, bless her heart, is definitely a little overly protective. Her two twin daughters, Ally and Tori, always joined my brother, my friends and I to go trick or treating at our local lake community. Instead of being normal and going trick or treating on our own, all of our moms joined us. The worst part about this is that after EVERY HOUSE we would have to do role call to make sure that no one got kidnapped in between the 10 feet dividing the driveway from the house. Actually, that’s a lie. The worst part is that I got forced to do this up until I was in the 8th grade, which was the year I officially stopped giving a f*ck about Halloween and developed a very bitter idea of everything having to do with this spooky holiday.
High school rolled around, and so did tons of Halloween parties that I was never invited to. Did that hurt? Yes. Did I care? No, because Halloween was for losers whose aunts make them do role call after every house. I managed to avoid any attempt at celebrating Halloween for three, solid years in a row without anyone forcing me to do something. Mind you, two out of three of those years we didn’t even have Halloween because there were hurricanes that destroyed everyone’s homes but THAT’S BESIDE THE POINT. Senior year was a different story. Halloween laid on the last day of spirit week, and our school was really trying to amp up the school spirit so if you didn’t dress up than people really judged you. I wasn’t planning on doing anything that day; I didn’t care about the judgmental looks or rude questions I would have gotten all day but my friends did and they eventually convinced me to dress up. I was thinking of the easiest costume to be, and nerd came to my head. My friend Amanda was being a nerd too so we thought we would say we were a duo and figured there would be a cute Instagram out of it.
SO UGLY OH MY GOD
WHO LET ME GO OUT LIKE THIS?!
Second, this costume stirred up some serious drama. I was sitting in band class (I WAS COOL) when someone came up to me and said “Norah! Did you actually dress up as Daphne for Halloween?!”
Daphne was our school’s valedictorian, and that is the extent to what I know about her, so dressing up as her for Halloween just wouldn’t have made sense. I told them that I didn’t and asked them why they said that. I was just trying to lay low! Apparently, Daphne had worn the same exact outfit that I was wearing for Halloween on “dress for success” day, which was a spirit day in which we all dressed like professional business people for fun. I saw photographic evidence of this and turned whiter than a ghost, which is hard considering I’m already very pale. I literally dressed up as Daphne for Halloween, and I wasn’t the only one who thought so. Daphne herself thought I dressed as her too and she got real pissed about it. Daphne, if you’re reading this, I apologize for the misunderstanding.
So, after that mix-up, I decided to dump Halloween forever. I will never like the holiday no matter how much I want to and now you know why.
I hope you guys liked this post! It was filled with lots of optimism and positivity so I’m sure your Halloween spirits are higher than ever.
Good luck this year! Don’t dress as your schools valedictorian and you should be good.